Day Two: Must engage in various nonsmoking activities enjoyed by healthy nonsmokers the world over: exercise, saving money, writing letters to the editor . . . bubble baths? (What else do nonsmokers do? They certainly don't have any fun.)

Day Three: Convinced my boyfriend that I was the picture of cool, steely strength - even without cigarettes. Made him test my emotional brawn:

"Tell me I'm fat."

`"You're fat."

After I cried for 35 minutes, he said "I didn't mean it! You told me to say it!" But I could see that look in his eye. The look that says, "When I said 'fat' what I really meant to say was fat."

Day Four: Am convinced that, in the absence of cigarettes, I am doomed to live a solitary life, just like the Bronte sisters.

The Bronte sisters were probably nonsmokers, and look what happened to them. They died.

Also, the Bronte sisters probably avoided bars and cigarette smoke altogether, thus becoming known as the world's most talented pasty-faced shut-ins.

I don't want to be a talented pasty-faced shut-in. I really don't.

Day Five: Am writing a stage musical about quitting smoking. I can't decide between the following catchy titles: "I'm Such A (Bleeping) Failure!" or "I'd Rather Wade Nostril-Deep Through a River of Vomit Than Quit Smoking."

Day Six: Just noticed that in the movie "Charade," Audrey Hepburn doesn't look like she's addicted to the cigarettes she's smoking, nor does she look like she smells of cigarettes after smoking them.

Day One - again: Oops. Was practicing smoking cigarettes yesterday while running through the apartment, flapping my arms wildly to avoid getting cigarette smoke on my clothes. (This is definitely not how Audrey Hepburn did it.)

Day Two: I have to find a whole new set of "kooky, nonsmoking" friends that hang out in places where smoking is not permitted. Note: Look for new friends at Glee Club concerts, 'N Sync Fan Club meetings and prison kitchens.

Day Three: Had a dream last night that Ross from the sitcom "Friends" wrote a love letter and addressed it to my pack of cigarettes. Then, my co-workers all read it in unison and I cried.

Day Four: I'm going completely crazy. If I end up getting cancer anyway, I am going to be so mad.

Day Five: Saved $50 in two weeks by not buying cigarettes! Might spend it on a hammer to bash my brains in with.

Oh well, at least I have my health.

Emma Downs has written features and essays for The (fort Wayne) News-Sentinel for three years. In that time, she's written about lounge singers, bridesmaid dresses, metalheads, nude beaches and Ted Nugent, just to name a few. She plays piano, speaks lousy French and lives in Fort Wayne with her husband, Mike.